The Seafood Buffet

Okay,My state is known for several things one of which is really big Indian casinos, many of which have some pretty good buffets.  I realize that I am in a landlocked state. Really I do. But if you are going to claim to have a seafood buffet…don’t you think that you might want to, you know, do it right?                                                   
Quite recently I took my wife and Mother in Law down to a North Tulsa casino that boasted a new “Seafood Buffet”. It was an hour drive to the casino, where I knew that since my MiL probably wouldn’t be eating, but gambling instead, I should be  prepared to be gone a while. While I won’t name the casino outright (yeah right) the tribal name sounds a bit like O..Sage.                                                                
Now first off, I don’t care for casinos, the sounds and flashing lights give me a migraine, so they already had at least one strike against them, but since my wife/slave had quite literally begged to go (I’m thinking much more suplication will be due next time  she wants to drag me off to one BTW) and then invited her mother along (which I really wouldn’t mind except finding them later can be a bit of a pain in the ass, and even more so when my cell phone reception is nil) I resigned myself to sticking it out and not following my better instincts. I am not a gambler. The idea of pumping money into a machine on the off chance of winning something back just goes against my every instinct, as well as the mathmatical odds. Strangely, my wife/slave seems to have some sort of weird anti mathmatical field around her that defys all logic, really she does. I can send her in with $40 and two hours later she comes out with $200. WTF? AND she does it nearly every time as well. I took her to one two months ago, gave her $40. and though she only broke even on the machines, she won some silly contest based solely on the seat that she was sitting  in at the moment,  TWICE and we walked out with $700. REALLY???? What the hell?                                               
Okay, on with the story. So anyway as one said this was billed as a new Seafood buffet, and as I was fully expecting to need to be on cholesterol meds by now,this was to be a last gastronomical fling, before beginning a ~shudder~ diet.                                                          

From the start I was a bit put off. You see, while I generally don’t have too big of an issue with paying in advance, the one thing that I absolutely will not do is give a gratuity in advance, and right there on the reciept, there was a spot to do so. Shelizar is pretty good about giving not only a fair gratuity, but a good one, typically in the 20% range, though it has been higher for outstanding service. I could see through the doorway that THIS was NOT going to be one of those times.    
The resturant was nearly empty with only about 10 tables out of aproximately 50 occupied. Of those remaining 40ish tables we found exactly ONE that was not dirty, full of used plates or completly crumb covered! 
Yet not a single bus boy, or wait staff in sight. We were told that a waitress would bring us our drinks….WHO? Are they employing supernatural help staff?                                                 
It was ironically while I was getting our drinks that I saw the first of the staff….a 7ft (no I am not kidding) hulking male who appeared to be a clone made of a combination of the biggest NFL Football players’ DNA stood menacingly  to my side next to me, arms folded and a frown on his face as if he was contemplating whether to squash me for being so bold as to get a drink before him (despite the fact that I was a paying customer and had actually arrived at the machine before him), or merely fold me in half, like a taco shell.                                                                   
On to the food…..what there was of it. First off, I would like to say that labels are your friend. Some of us like to know what we are eating, though I’m sure gargantua boy over there is just happy to get some every few minutes. Sure it’s fried shrimp….if you call that shrimp. Is that coconut in it? You do realize that some people are allergic to coconut don’t you, and should one of those people accidently get one not knowing that coconut was in it, the legal ramifications would put your tribe back in the poor house! Personally I just dislike coconut…a lot. It’s not coconut…..then what IS that stuff sticking out of the breading? It scares the crap out of me now.           
Okay the cold shrimp, were suitably prawn sized, well at least for here in Oklahoma, so not really but…. Though shrimp isn’t supposed to have the same consistancy as a medium steak, so a big fail there too.                                   
HAM, roast beef (I think) and polish sausage on a seafood buffet? Not unheard of, I’ll get a polish sausage (just incase you know) OOOH it is NOT polish sausage! It’s Cajun andouille…and I was NOT prepared! LABELS DAMMIT! Is it so fucking hard to actually write it down on a piece of paper and tape it to the buffet? My acid reflux is going to get me tonight!                                        
Okay, fish……what kind? Again no labels! I have a pretty fair guess that the fried stuff is catfish, which BTW is NOT a seafood! Now this other…jerky looking piece of stuff that has more herbs on it than Bob Marley’s Jacket….what is it?  It’s not good that’s what it is! It has near shoe leather consistancy, I thought for a moment that I was going to need a steak knife to cut it, and I’m still sucking the pieces of peppercorns, sage and rosemary out of my teeth. Who puts sage on fish? Even more so, who dredges a piece of fish in a cupbord full of herbs? What are you trying to hide?                                           
Stuffed crab…alright, I don’t generally care for it, but usually it’s not too awfull bad. AND apparently you can fuck up bread. Seriously I see the crab, but I don’t taste it. What I DO taste is….what is that, soggy Wonderbread?                                                             
Alright, raw oysters….do I dare? Since there is no cooking involved it certainly limits the ways that you can screw it up, unfortunately one of those ways includes a trip to the hospital. Well, having spent a great deal of time on the coast, I’m a pretty good judge of oysters, so I’ll get a few and taste one……not spoiled…not rinsed out either! I think that I chipped a dammed tooth! what did you use to open these a jackhammer? Every single one has shell chips all through it! Ohhh look I found an ACTUALL BARNICLE! HOW ON EARTH DID YOU MISS THAT GIGANTIC MOTHER FUCKER! IT”S THE SIZE OF A DAMMED PENCIL ERASER!                         
Crablegs….well there certainly are enough, which is scary in of it’s self. It could be because they have apparently been under a heat lamp for the last decade. Do you know what happens to crab legs under a heat lamp? They get tough. I had some claw meat that was only slightly less tough than Mohammad Ali’s boxing glove.                                        
Froglegs Are you aware that there are NO varieties of sea dwelling frogs? Nope, not one. You would have been closer serving salwater crocodile!   
Although, I have to admit that it was one of the better things on the buffet, and had almost no gamy taste.                                    
Fried chicken….Is this chicken of the sea? (sorry charlie)             
“Seafood Newberg” you do realise that it is supposed to be Lobster Newberg don’t you? I’m pretty much guessing that it is “seafood Newberg” because I don’t see a “classy establishment” such as this actually springing for lobster when they can chop up random fish bits and toss in some cheap egg noodles and make up  something cheap for these bumpkins. It was also cold, as in nearly frigid in areas while only mildly tepid in others.                                     
Clam chowder….Okay if worse come to worse, you can always buy clam chowder so let’s try that. Well, you certainly didn’t buy this…..stuff.
I see now that you used the same herbs in the chowder that you did on the fish. In simular quantities as well! ie just a tad over, “way the fuck too much”!  Who is so ham fisted with the fucking herbs? Let me explain clam chowder to you cretins. It is a warm, soft, creamy, delicate flavor. It should be interspersed with tiny cubed potatos between 8 and 13 mm in size NOT something the size of the head of my swollen cock! Salt and pepper are used to enhance the flavor, not BE the flavor! It should also have clams in it! Surpisingly IT and the other soup were the ONLY two things that did have a label.                                                            
Desert….well let’s see, a commercially available name brand cherry cobbler…I hate cherries…                                                              
   Sugar free, taste free cake, that only leaves the soft serve ice cream….VERY SOFT SERVE, nearly runny in fact! Well, at least you have Giardelli white chocolate topping….no you don’t, you are completly out! FINE I’ll have the Giardelli regular chocolate topping….except that even an idiot can tell that this is simply Hershey’s syrup in a Giardelli bottle!                                                                  
OOH the wife has found something that at least looks promising. Looks are decieving apparently. I’m not quite sure what you were aiming at with that faux custard wrapped in a completely tastelss chocolate ribbon. How do you make chocolate tasteless? That my friend is a talent for evil! And the “custard” tasted a bit like lemon marshmallow puff.                      
The only saving grace of the whole night is that my wife won back enough money to pay for our meal, so at least we broke even. Unlike General Mac Arthur, We shall NOT return!

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3 Responses to The Seafood Buffet

  1. OMG there are tears running down the cheeks as one types this. “Sea dwelling frogs” absolutely classic. Thank you so much for the laugh… even if it was at the cost of gastronomic suffering 😀

  2. Academicsub says:

    Oh that is just priceless. Coming from a place that really know how to do seafood buffets, Im scared about going to the US…and we are going to Tulsa…yikes!

  3. Ivan Trail says:

    Typically, I am inclined to disbelieve negativity on the internet. However, due to the writing style of this blog and bitter humor, I will buy it. Understandably, one does not go to a casino for a five star dining experience, let alone seafood in the Great American Desert, but I can see the offering was intentionally made with the quality of prison food leftovers. Amazingly this blog came up while sitting in the Hard Rock buffet in Tulsa while conversing with my wife about how putrid the food here is too.

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