Death and Devo

This past year has been a strange and difficult one to say the least. Saddly I fear that while I haven’t made it any worse, I certainly could have made it much better that it was. I don’t deal with death well, or perhaps it should be said that I deal with death ~differantly~ than other people. It is something that I am acutely aware of. I know that I often come off as cold and unfeeling, which is not exactly true, but I reserve my feelings for the living. It is strange, but I think that the only two deaths that I have cryed about have both been for my pets. The first was when I was about 10 yo, the last just seven years ago. At both times I felt an inconsolable loss, which I belive was spurred by the fact that I had shared things with them both that I could not share with any human being. I as their owner and master had found a limit which I could not surrmount. Though strangely I do not think that they thought any less of me for that, as life and death in the animal kingdom is just a fact of life. Yet, I still longed for the familiarity of their company. The last had known me his entire life and we had experianced both good and bad together, been together and seperated by the necessities of life in the military, yet he was always happy to see me (after of course a proper appology in the form of a half eaten hamburger *notice this is a half eaten one not a whole one , as he wanted to share MY food rather than have his own, it was that much more important to him).                                                    
It is in times when I feel myself venturing into unfamiliar emotional territory that I often fall back on my knowlage of sometimes outdated social customs such as the year long mourning process. Though it is considered outdated, for a person such as myself it does have some value as it gives me a bit of a time period in which I ~KNOW~ that I need to allow for things/feelings/emotions to arise in others which I may not share or indeed fully understand. I know that I don’t fully understand these things and as such have no referance point in which to predict them. Without a mental plan that can often lead me to certain very hurtfull, though not intentionally so, faux pax. I learned this at a very young age after the death of my own grandfather. A statement that I made which was meant to aleviate the pain of his passing (at his own hand) instead was taken as cold and unfeeling for the grief of others. The man was depressed and in severe pain, yet nobody had noticed it? They had blithly gone about their daily life leaving him to deal with his pain and depression in silence, until he decided that it was too much. NOT ONE had questioned that his doctor had him on two differant pain medications for YEARS! NOT ONE had suggested that he get a second opinion! NOT ONE had done anything when his tolerance to the pain medications built up until they no longer worked and he began drinking again, mixing the meds with alcohol to simply dull the pain that he lived with every single moment of his life! It was only after his passing that they began to play the blame game and wonder what THEY would do and how THEY would carry on with their lives.         
Being raised in a very christian household that belived in the supersticious “Signs from GOD”, at the tender age of 11 I thought it perhaps  one of those signs that as they were talking about his death and why and getting affairs settled the radio should happen to be playing that lovely and slightly haunting song “Suicide is Painless” and happened to point out the the title of the song, for which I was soundly rebuked.     

Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see…
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger…watch it grin.
suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied ‘oh why ask me?’
suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
…and you can do the same thing if you please……                     
The point in my young mind was simply that he is no longer in pain, for him the pain of his body has ended. Now have a good cry, quit blaming each other and lets take care of what needs to be done!                       
It is not that I missed him any less, though indeed I would have liked to have had more time with him. It is not that what he did was not selfish, because indeed I would argue that the vast majority of what we do is for our own selfish reasons, and why should it not be so, it was HIS fucking body that was in constant pain! Nobody else could have felt his pain or taken it apon themselves, and apparently “God” did not see fit to do so either! So if he felt it was finally too much for him to handle, if his depression had become so bad that that mixed with pain 24/7 he felt that he could not take one more day of it, that ending his life was to him a viable option, shouldn’t we indeed be glad that he was at the very least, no longer in pain?                                                
While I could point fingers, and trust me they could quite rightly be pointed at more than one person (most of which saw him every single day of his life), would it at that point , after the fact, have done any good? NO. You see, while I may not have agreed with his choice (then or now) I could certainly understand it given his mental and physical condition.   
You see, to me death is just an inevitable fact of life. It happens and it is left up to those of us still alive to deal with it. Barring some remarkable discovery of science there is not a damm thing that you or I can do to stop it, so it is better to just get used to the idea, and spend your efforts and emotions on the living.                                  
To get on to my original point however, I often find myself at a loss as to how best to react in certain situations without finding myself in the position of having inadvertantly commited some faux pax. So, it is at times like that that I often mentally dismiss myself from the situation and sit back and try my best to gently guide things in a productive direction without interjecting myself very far into the general emotions of the whole thing,and taking much more of a laise faire approach than even I am completely comfortable with,  and in general I’m pretty good at it. However, a full year is a bit long, and I feel far too long for me to have allowed myself to stew about certain issues.                             

Although in my own defense (against myself as accusor and as well as prosecutor, judge and jury) I have made several attempts at what I felt was the right course of action, and recent developments have explained at least somewhat why I had neither the drive fully needed to carry out my plans to their fruition, nor the energy.                                                
But, I counter, I have not even managed to fully maintain that which I already had. I am in agreement with myself on that issue, although steps have already been begun to aleviate that sad state. If it please myself as the court (and how could I not at the very least entertain the thought, being that it is in a way at the court’s own bidding) allow me to continue with the aforemention plans until such time as it shall be deemed to be not producing results once again. It shall be decided that a coherant and cogent plan of action be drawn up and approved by this court’s most rational member (myself) to be presented to myself and followed allowing only minor deviation which shall be continually second guessed time and time again and put up repeatedly for peer review. Further this court reserves the right and power to alter this plan at any time and on a moments notice if things don’t apear to be working out as planned.                        
So it is time to follow the words of the electric gurus
Crack that whip
Give the past a slip
step on a crack
Break your mamma’s back
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sits out to long
You must whip it
When something’s going wrong
You must whip it
Now whip it
Into shape
Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
It’s not to late
To whip it
When a good time turns around
You must whip it
You will never live it down
Unless you whip it
No one gets their way
Until they whip it
I say whip it
whip it good
I say whip it
Whip it good

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