God’s Zombie Army
First off let me say, *echem* If you are of the type that likes to read way more into things than is actually there, or somehow is able to make the odd connection between UFO sightings and supposed Angelic sightings, miracles, and “Acts of God”…..GO AWAY! I don’t want to hear it….Seriously, I mean, I AM *hehe* (I Am because I Am…it’s as simple as that, and now those of you in the next category can go ahead and take out your pencils…this is going to be a looooong night for you) the actual Author here, so I think that I know what I meant when I wrote it, and while I have been known to subtly smack one upside the subconscious…or the ego (that’s always a fun one…anyway, I digress) ANYWAY…, use a little discretion please…and perhaps a fist full of salt…
Secondly, if you are the type to get easily offended…*blink*blink*…really? Why did you even read past the title? You KNOW that this is going to piss you off. Oh sure, you might call it rightous indignation or somesuch but let’s be honest, brutally…*says the sadist*…I’m going to write some shit that is going to point out some totally silly, “just wrong” shit that is in the xian bible and the WTF? interpretations that are given to them, and it’s going to force you to either face some unpleasant facts or what is most likely (because this shit IS pissing you off after all),to try and ignore or discount them, even though you secretly know that they are provable and true. You may even try and tell yourself that it is “your duty as a good christian” to read this so that you may warn others of it or so that you can “pray for the author”… or whatever…look you can make up any excuse that you want, but you have to face the fact that you willingly read it, so now GROW UP and DEAL with it.
Okay first off, seriously? Using ANYTHING out of Ezekiel as an example of a coherant and reliable prediction is almost…sorry *IS* laughable. Have you even READ Ezekiel? I’ve seen more coherant shit at a Grateful Dead concert. I’m pretty sure that THAT guy was “trippin balls” when he wrote half of this shit. There is really no other explaination for it, because presumably any deity with enough power to create an entire universe would have absolutely no problem in communicating his message in a intelligable and easily understandable manner leaving absolutely no doubt that this was an official “Prophesy of God. It should be instead, impossible for it, “THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE AND ALL THAT IS WITHIN IT, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE YUD HEY VAV HEY, THE TETRAGRAMATON, THE IMPRONOUNCaBLE (but you xians sure try now anyway don’t you, just made up your own name and everything….) AKA JEHOVAH (even though Hebrew doesn’t have a “J” sound anywhere in it…Christians…)” EL, Elohim, Adonai, not to mention that according to Jewish mystisism Any combinations of the letters YHVH and vowels and the entire pentetuch.. to say ANYTHING AT ALL and NOT be COMPLETELY AND UNEQUIVICALLY understood . In fact, just to be safe he could follow the standard practice of journalist everywhere and answer 6 basic questions…hell, he could even add a seventh if he believed in that “evil number” crap…the six basic questions are Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. You know, if your “God” could give me just that most basic of information without having to fudge on the specifics…Most “psychics”, “card/palm/tea leaf/chicken,goat,pig, dove,ect innard / readers” politicians, stockbrokers and other modern day soothsayers can do MUCH better, seriously…one word…”Timeshare” …seriously, why would any thinking person buy one? The answer is that they wouldn’t. The broker soothsayer has charmed them into it by talking alot while saying absolutely nothing of value. Much like Ezekiel. I’m pretty sure that the Oracle of Delfi was less obtuse than Ezekiel, and I’m SURE that even Steven King couldn’t make up some of the completely *fucked up* shit that Ezekiel does. Look even as alagorys and bad descriptions they completely fail. You can try and make up whatever explainations that you want, but “great, spinning, wheels in the sky with the head of a lion, a goat a sheep and a dragon are NOT an accurate or even intelligable description of ANYTHING!!!!! You can try and use all the apologetics that you want, but we all know that you are just pulling shit out of your theological ass. Ezekiel was a Hash Head…or maybe an Ergot eater…whichever, there is NO WAY that he wasn’t on something when he dreamed/prophesied all of this shit.
Okay on to chapter 37….
“37 The hand of the Lord came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones.
*okay, so God pulled his soul out of his body and took him to a big valley full of dry bones.*
2 Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry.
*Okay, the first part seems pretty straight forward, god made him “walk/fly/ whatever…all around the bones. There were a lot of bones and we get it, they were dry….*
3 And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?
So I answered, “O Lord God, You know.”
*Hey, I’m not getting MYSELF into any trouble here. ….*
4 Again He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!
*AGAIN? When did he ever tell me to do it the first time? Now I ask you…Look up above and tell me that I’m not crazy…Did he EVER? say that before? Or is ONE of us getting Alzheimer’s a bit early???*
*Apparently the bones weren’t dry enough that their auditory system was non functional and their Tympanic bones were still attached*
5 Thus says the Lord God to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. 6 I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the Lord.”’”
*You shall Live, LIVE!!!! Rise up my Zombie Army!!! MUHAHAHA MUHAHAHAHAHAhaha….er excuse me…*
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and suddenly a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 Indeed, as I looked, the sinews and the flesh came upon them, and the skin covered them over; but there was no breath in them.
*So I did what I was told, because you never know, the big guy might just be able to pull this off and then wouldn’t I feel stupid running from a pissed off God’s zombie army…then suddenly shit started getting weird, I mean Really weird like Indiana Jones and the Lost Arc weird! only in reverse!*
9 Also He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.”’” 10 So I prophesied as He commanded me, and breath came into them, and they lived, and stood upon their feet, an exceedingly great army.
*OOKAAYY…I’m prophesying to “THE Breath”, what ever the hell THAT is…perhaps he means the Ruach Ha Kodesh…Aka the Holy Spirit or Shechina…maybe, though apparently it comes from “The Four Winds”…deities in their own right at this time. *HOLY CRAP*!!!! Time to RUUUNNN!!!! There are a shit ton of them!!! well, at least, I only have to run faster than YOU…*
11 Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’
*okay, so apparently this is just an allegory?*
12 Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel.
*or not…which is it?*
13 Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. 14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.’”
One Kingdom, One King
*(Again with the grave opening and re-animation of the dead…..*
15 Again the word of the Lord came to me, saying, 16 “As for you, son of man, take a stick for yourself and write on it: ‘For Judah and for the children of Israel, his companions.’ Then take another stick and write on it, ‘For Joseph, the stick of Ephraim, and for all the house of Israel, his companions.’ 17 Then join them one to another for yourself into one stick, and they will become one in your hand.
*OOH a magic show…Have you seen The Amazing Randy?*
18 “And when the children of your people speak to you, saying, ‘Will you not show us what you mean by these?’— 19 say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Surely I will take the stick of Joseph, which is in the hand of Ephraim, and the tribes of Israel, his companions; and I will join them with it, with the stick of Judah, and make them one stick, and they will be one in My hand.”’ 20 And the sticks on which you write will be in your hand before their eyes.
*is that all you do is join sticks? I saw Randy chop off Alice Cooper’s Head and then Alice played the next song. The Amazing Randy is WAY better*
21 “Then say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Surely I will take the children of Israel from among the nations, wherever they have gone, and will gather them from every side and bring them into their own land;
*Hey, come on, Babe
Follow me, I’m the Pied Piper
Follow me, I’m the Pied Piper
And I’ll show you where it’s at
Come on, Babe
Can’t you see, I’m the Pied Piper
Trust in me, I’m the Pied Piper
And I’ll show you where it’s at*
*okay, I’m getting pretty tired of PWNing the Bible, It’s just TOO fucking EASY! it stops getting fun after a bit…*
22 and I will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of Israel; and one king shall be king over them all; they shall no longer be two nations, nor shall they ever be divided into two kingdoms again.
*apparently being driven into diaspora doesn’t count? This Obviously can’t mean in our time, because we have a Knesset not a King…Kings can *SNAP* their finger and make new policy…That is bad for the perceived political stability of a country as well as it’s people. Committees on the other hand, by their very nature, do NOT act fast on virtually anything outside of adjourning for lunch, and they RARELY, make sudden movements as concerns Major Issues without plenty of meetings and sub-committees, discussions, Power point displays, Expert Witnesses, Celebrity “Testimony” ect…
23 They shall not defile themselves anymore with their idols, nor with their detestable things, nor with any of their transgressions; but I will deliver them from all their dwelling places in which they have sinned, and will cleanse them. Then they shall be My people, and I will be their God.
24 “David My servant shall be king over them, and they shall all have one shepherd; they shall also walk in My judgments and observe My statutes, and do them. 25 Then they shall dwell in the land that I have given to Jacob My servant, where your fathers dwelt; and they shall dwell there, they, their children, and their children’s children, forever; (*DIIIAASSSPPORRAA*) and My servant David shall be their prince forever (*until his death in 1 Kings 2 apparently*) . 26 Moreover I will make a covenant of peace with them, and it shall be an everlasting covenant with them; I will establish them and multiply them, and I will set My sanctuary in their midst forevermore (Google “Dome of The Rock” and tell me if YOU see a problem? just saying…) . 27 My tabernacle also shall be with them; indeed I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 28 The nations also will know that I, the Lord, sanctify Israel, when My sanctuary is in their midst forevermore.”’