Granny Panties


Recently in an online news article, “Granny Panties” were touted as the “NEW” Big fashion trend.

My reply though short, did at least, I hope show the general stupidity and ignorance of this statement. It was as follows.

@YAHOO  “Granny panties” are NOT in style. They were NEVER in style. REGARDLESS  of what “fashion designers” and other women haters want us to believe. Women wear them for comfort (so says my wife) not style! Considering that not one of them has put a “Real” ie (proportionately sized for anything other than a stick!) woman up on stage in decades, why should we give one hoot as to what the fashion designers say?

I am just the ~tiniest~ bit frustrated by the fact that I am limited in the size of my post on certain online “NEWS” agencies, but due to my own certain ability to ramble…I understand perfectly…So I have a blog.

“Granny Panties” for those few of you who don’t know, (really? have you been hiding under a rock?) are Women’s “high waist” “brief” style knickers of the type that one might envision the Queen Mum wearing…as a matter of fact, it is the ONLY type that I can or even care to,  envision the Queen Mum wearing.  Originally they were like a Model T Ford. Everybody had them, they came in One color, White, and One fabric, Cotton.  Sure there were a few high end Silk jobs around, but for the everyday girl, White Cotton was it.

Shortly after WWII the new field of synthetic chemistry brought about Lycra, Polyester, Nylon, Rayon and a whole host of a variety of new “stretchy”, “man made” fabrics. None of which breathed quite like cotton, and more than a few of which should be used as artic thermal insulators, which is probably why the US Military uses them as such. It also brought with it a broad range of “NEW and IMPROVED!” fabric dyes that could make any color on Michelangelo’s pallet and then some. Bright Yellows and Greens, Reds of the deepest bloodstained shade or the pink of a Easter flower. Purples fit fir Royalty and the Blues of the deepest Ocean or a lazy, cloudless, Summer sky.

Now I will admit that the feel of silk or even Lycra under my finger tips just plain ole “turns my crank”, but then if my hand is down there, I’m pretty stoked already, so there is that…

Now, I can’t claim to have slept with a whole ton of women, but the few that I have, I have known very well and for a considerable amount of time. Without fail, every single one of them has owned at least ONE set of granny panties and frequently a whole week’s worth. One girlfriend used to use them to hold hot water bottles and later, the chemical heating patches. Usually Cotton, though the color palate has risen substantially since the 1940’s, though for the granny panties at least the pallet has remained in the more muted and pastel range of the color pallet. You will never see a hot pink pair of granny panties with the word “juicy” written across the back.

Granny Panties are in no way a fashion statement. They are meant to be big  and comfortable and most of all…NOT SEEN! It’s kind of like covering the Mona Lisa with a tent. It kind of lets you know that perhaps it’s “Undergoing routine cleaning and maintenance please come back next week and we will gladly accommodate you”.

Next I wish to address “The Fashion World”, that tiny group of celebrated women haters. How else can you explain some of the LAUGHABLE Abominations that walk the runway? Clothes made of wire hoops, hung at odd angles. Hats and Hair larger than your average Kindergartener. Clothes with their own APPENDAGES! And don’t even ask what the cutting edge fashion designers are coming up with to humiliate women with on the “Green” and “RECYCLED” market…Seriously…what every you do, DO NOT GOOGLE “FASHION DESIGNERS AND RECYCLE IMAGES” . I do remember one “au coutereare” (or whatever the French word is for “pompous idiot”) fashion designers that made a dress out of recycled women’s  “feminine hygiene” products…~shudder~ ugh..just UGH!  NO  THANK  YOU  !!!  Seriously, I have dressed less ludicrously while playing the stereotypical used car salesman in skits.  Why don’t you just toss a cork hat on one and…whas tha? you already did that….about 10 years ago…Ooooh I got it! What about Clown Makeup? SERIOUSLY!!! And she did it? I see…well that kind of makes my point doesn’t it?

Can SOMEBODY? ANYBODY. Please explain to me how sending androgynous, animate, sticks and near cadavers down the runway, dressed in your latest female humiliation design, is supposed to entice me to want to see that on ANYBODY, much less somebody that I loved!

To Quote a famous man (Sir Mixalot) “36, 24, 36? Only if she’s 5’3″.”                                      Interestingly enough Marilyn Monroe’s stats are reported as Height: 5 feet 5 1/2 inches   Weight: Varied,   115 – 120 lbs.  Measurements: 37-23-36  (Studio’s Claim);        35-22-35 (Dressmaker’s Claim)

In comparison Twiggy is  5’6″ (167 cm), weighed eight stone (51 kg; 112 lbs) and had a 31-23-32 figure.

And WHY EXACTLY  am I supposed to give one crap if Hannah Montana …oh I’m sorry  *echem*  Miley Cyrus, wants to show her panties in public? Or lady gaga (get better and I’ll start capitalizing it you hack!) ?  I’m not their father. It isn’t my family name being touted as a laughingstock all over television. Soon enough they will all go the way of Max Headroom , Culture Club and Kajagoogoo .

So MY question to the fashion community. After DECADES of parading your LUDICROUSLY AND HILLARIOUSLY  FUNNY  “Designs” up and down the runways, on ANDRODGENOUS, ANEMIC, PALE, SKELETAL (seriously, I’ve seen more meat on returning P.O.W.s) Cocaine and Diet Pill strung out, little more than meat bags of sticks.  Why would I take YOUR advice as to what looks good on ANYBODY, much less a NORMAL sized person, not somebody on the 00 size range!

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