For the last year I have been busy trying to do a big ole life and home “spring cleaning” and repair (on an almost nonexistent budget no less).
It was while perusing the isles of our local big box hardware store that my wife and mother in law ran into a gent who said that he would love to help. He seemed a nice enough guy. Though a bit on the short side, he is a quite accomplished motorcycle rider and very jolly. That should have been my first red flag. He said that he had never had enough room to get his bike up to full speed…..that should have been my second red flag.
Immediately upon arriving he revved up his bike and went tearing up the driveway,
riding wheelies across the lawn,
up the porch steps……
I chalked it up as youthful (he’s only 93) exuberance, and hoped to put him to work soon as the weather warmed up.
I feel that at this time I must point out what my research about Gnomes and their propensity of actually doing what you want rather than how THEY think that it should be done….has discovered.
There are two basic types of Gnomes. The first is the “Wylde Gnome” which quite honestly is not that wild and is more akin to a “Nature Gnome”. Though one might note that if offended they do have a tendency to bite.
The second is the “domesticated Gnome” or “House Gnome”, which is honestly not really that domesticated, but they are quite handy with mechanical and human objects.
Now the warning…”They are quite handy with mechanical and human objects”. QUITE handy in fact….and apparently they will use anything that they can….often even if it is currently being used for something else. NOTHING is safe!
Now in all honesty, having spent several weeks dealing with an intestinal infection (fun Fun FUN…NOT!) during which I had to have #@&*% plumbers come to entirely re-pipe @^$&&$!!@ my (100 yo ) home ( a whole separate post in of itself, so watch for it folks…), so I was not able to put him to work immediately which is where I went wrong. A Bored Gnome becomes a creative Gnome….and that is not always good.
It is warm out now and having some work to do both to the outside of the house as well as landscaping (read cutting down the two hundred volunteer trees that have popped upon the perimeter of my yard during the last week or so), I decided to put my young friend to work on the flower beds while I attempted to dig out (wet muddy clay like dirt) a new and improved entrance to the underside of my house (the old smaller one being nearly completely cut off by a plumber who rerouted my gas lines across it…(prick…).
Two weeks ago my mother in law once again ran into a couple of gentlemen (again at the big box home improvement store) that swore that they could help me with my landscaping. Knowing how much I absolutely hate landscaping she immediately invited these two gents home….to MY HOME!
They seem to be nice enough fellows , though none to bright. They are Wylde Gnomes. Now this doesn’t mean that your average Wylde Gnome is stupid by any means…just these two fellows…., my guess would be that they spent too many of their pre-century years “tending the Herb plots”….Your average Wylde Gnome lives a very simple and simplistic life, and is quite intelligent and knowledgeable especially in the ways of nature and growing things.
I dug and toiled and sweated all day. Cut down weeds and small trees and bushes…even dug out and using a two ton “come along” hand winch pulled a small tree stump that I have cut back every year for the last ten years, just to have it regrow the next season…I’m pretty sure that I pulled some poison oak….my face LOOKS like I’ve pulled some poison oak….
Back and forth in the sunlight he rode his bike while I dug.
“Do you mind giving me a hand?” I asked politely….
he just clapped as he rode by…(he can be a dick like that’s sometimes)…
“Don’t worry” he said “you just get it ready for me…I know some guys.”
In retrospect…that should have been another red flag. Guys? What GUYS?….Why are we bringing in “guys”? WHO ARE these “Guys”? I didn’t think that this was either the sort or the size of project that required “GUYS”….Is this some sort of Gnome work project thing?
Gnome Mafia? ….Gnome Mafia definitely.
This morning, anxious to see what his “guys” had accomplished during the night I rushed outside and was promptly greeted by the crew still hard at work….not fixing my flower beds, rather, they seemed to have their own idea about what they were here to do, and the head Gnome informed me quite tersely that they planned to do just that…no matter WHAT I said or thought. They were “here to stay”, so I had better “just get used to it”…
It was then, that I discovered that Gnomes will scavenge a worksite bare in a matter of hours, and once they get it….it’s THEIRS! Trust me, you can take it back and scold them all that you want…you left it lying around (even IF it was in a locked garage, or attached to your house at the time…) so they consider it fair game, and now you are the thief, for taking it back….something that they don’t easily forget or forgive….so it really doesn’t do any good to argue with them….
Next year, I’m just spraying for Gnomes.