Gnomes come in all sizes, skin pigmentation, language, IQ, temperament, skills and
Hats…yes, that’s right, I said Hats. To a Gnome, hat color
means everything. Often though the difference is like
comparing Amish, Mennonites and German Baptists….not
really much difference at all…at least if you aren’t one of
Each “Hat” is ruled by a monarch or monarchs of limited power and influance.
For the most part the different Hats have learned to get
along with a few notable exceptions, chief among them is
the red hats and the blue hats feud, both very commonly
seen types in our region, who ABSOLUTELY…DO NOT
(“Cheech and Chong aside”) get along.
Nobody bothers the green hats who are the truly “Wild”
gnomes in that they are like Rangers and have great
woodsmanship skills.They are also the most likely to put an
arrow up your ass, just for walking through their territory.
Believe me when I say that when a half dozen 6″ tall Green
Hats go all Ninja Arragorn…it’s nobody’s idea of a fun day.
The Baby Blue Hats are like a combination Home Office and
UN…though they call it the GN. Other Gnomes use less
friendly and decidely vulgar (in the Gnomish tongue) names
The GN are considered “immune” from fueds…though that
doesn’t mean that they are always well liked, or like police
and Beurocrats everywhere, little more than tolerated as a
“~*Sometimes*~ necessary evil”.
Gnomes are “born into” their Hats and changing hats is
almost unheard of except in their Ancient Fables and
While neither size, nor Wylde or Domesticated makes any
difference, to Gnomes, in Gnome Society, your Hat means
everything. You can tell an awfull lot about a gnome by his
Although most people think that Gnomes originated in the
Germanic regions of Europe, the fact is that Gnomes come
from all parts of the Globe and while the ones that we are
most familiar with are most usually of this type, there are
others who have adopted the culture of other regions and
their countries of origin.
Technically your odds of meeting a
“Chinese” Gnome are much higher than meeting a
Scandanavian one, but….apparently “Gnomlahoma” is not a
Hot Bed of Chinese Gnomish culture. San Fransico, on the
other hand….well, …I’m betting that your chances Greatly
improve…as in “Target Rich Environment”, if you know
where to look.
Gnome women, do NOT, unlike Dwarf women, grow beards.
Now quit asking them, “They find it offensive and just a tad
bit insensitive to to be asking another species and culture,
much less of such an immodest topic.” says Albert Doolittle
While most Gnomes are fluent in the languages of their
home countries, between each other they often speak
Gnomish, which because of it’s adoption of many different
words from many different languages and cultures sheerly
out of necessity, often sounds to us like an uneducated
Pidgin language, or what used to be jokingly called
“Gerfractured Gergerman” .
It is not.
It is in fact, as far as I can tell,… so far….incredibly
precise in it’s grammer and vocabulary, though a bit obtuse
at times to the non Gnomish among you . It has to be
“Gnomekind Specific, to avoid any “misunderstandings”, and
to “ease and facilitate inter-Hat Relations”.
Javier tells me that his daughter just loves the movie
“Gnomeo and Juliet” and positively swoons over Gnomeo.
Gustave from Argentina tells me that all 7 of his daughters
love the movie as well and have even gone as far as starting
a “Human Love Stories”, book reading and movie club. Each
person “borrowing” Books and movies…or even just an
“unsecured” laptop and streaming bandwith internet
access……of love stories both ancient and new. Romeo and
Juliet, Genji, Pygmalion…as well as it’s more contemporary
movie “My Fair Lady”,…”The one with Rex Harrison” as
Gnomes also love musicals. Large parts of their lives revolve
around some sort of music, from the working songs of
cobbler Gnomes to the singsong chants of Gnome smithies.
It is not unusual for the Gnomish girls to hold “Midnight Movie”
parties while a human homeowner is away or even in the
case of very heavy sleepers…while they slumber. For some
odd reason Gustave can’t figure out why his seven
daughters seem to like “Seven Brides For Seven Brothers” so
much…He hasn’t seen the movie, still he can’t understand it.
…Saddly though he says that he fears that the girls are
“borrowing” , far too many modern “Royal Clown” (A
Harleguin?) …Romance books, and that it is “distorting and
retarding their normal development within Gnome culture
and Society”. He may be right. If they are “borrowing
laptops and internet…they have ptobably seen much much
more…let’s just not tell Gustave right now and I’ll quietly
mention it later.
Let me introduce our cast…
First came “Otto” sometimes jokingly called “Chief Auto
Feather” sidebar…*echem* …”MOHAWK!!….SCAM
baby!!”….that is all…….the smoking lamp is now lit, repeat,
the smoking lamp is now lit.
anyway “Otto” Ottorious von Bismarck and his Oak sled are all American. Sometimes he
even displays a small US flag from the rear of his bike. He is
a bit vague and not particularly forthcoming with much
information about himself, Though I have so far been able
to get him to tell me that he was “Born into his Hat” in a
“former Prairie Dog hole in the middle of some long
forgotten farmer’s field in Iowa”. Certain of his tattoos lead
me to believe that he probably used to work for the GN as a
“Green Hat Commando” in the Fairy Wars of the recent past
few years, though “since he ain’t sayin, then I’m not askin”.
“Cheech and Chong” real names “*mumblemumblemumble*
Hey man are you hungry?” …..honestly it’s just easier to call
them “Cheech and Chong”. “Cheech” is a Red Hat, While
“Chong” is a Blue Hat. Though to be honest,
I’m not sure that he even KNOWS what color his
hat is or if it is even his original Hat…He is the exception to
the Red vs Blue hat feud. He and Cheech are well respected
herbalists, if not particularly talkative…or indeed
understandable when they do talk. They are never seen apart.
Next comes our work crew
I told the work crew that the pictures were for future Gnome Power station, identification cards. That seemed to satisfy them.
Their supervisor is a craggy cockney fellow with the ironic
name of Alfred P. Doolittle who claims to “Sing and Dance
Pearly” in his off hours. Beyond that he doesn’t say much
other than “Get off my jobsite!” and “PUT THAT BACK!!! We
Found it Fair and square!”.
Next Comes “Javier” born Javier, Hernán, Cortés,Joseph-
Napoleon, Bonaparte, Miguel, Hidalgo, Y Costilla, Agustín,
Cosme, Damián, de Iturbide, y Arámburu, Gottlieb….and no
he isn’t practicing…his English is, if slower, definitely more
understandable than Gustave’s. Javier is their “dirt”
guy…that is he specializes in dirt and everything to do with
it…what kinds are best for packing solidly, which for
gardens, best methods of digging each kind of dirt. He
claims to be able to identify 49,000 or in his words “50
gnomes (he’s counting fingers…Gnomes don’t count toes)
minus one, every year for a century”……yeah, I know…so
dammed obtuse it is nearly incomprehensible… anyway ,
…49,000 different types of dirt, their Gnomish name, what
they are best for, Which ones are best to Tunnel in, and
which are best to “dig out” from the surface, how to use
them, Where to find them, How to “Find” some to
“Borrow”…..ect… He is their “Dirt Engineer”
….and before you folks start laughing…..
“Dirt Engineer Jobs | Simply Hired
660 dirt engineer jobs available. Find your next dirt
engineer job and jump-start your career with……”
Yeah, Who knew huh? Well actually I did, which is why I
could find it so fast, using the actual words work
sometimes…huh who knew?….again….never mind……
Gustave aka “GUS” born Gustave von Zeppelin, in a sleepy
little hamlet Garden in Argentina , he is the “Civil Engineer”
of the crew. He is also, according to this mug shot…probably the Gnome who has been borrowing my tools. His English is stilted, fractured and heavily
accented, to the point of incomprehensibility at times.
Gustave tells me that THIS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81OwP7RJ3BI video is
of him, back in Argentina, but also claims that it is biased
and misleading, because it doesn’t show the half dozen
“Waschbär” (Raccoons,…I suspect that he meant
“Krabbenwaschbär” a “Crab-eating Raccoon” (Procyon
cancrivorus) in the woods that had been stalking him for the
previous two hours, over “some baubles and perhaps a few
berries” that he had spotted “just lying around”, and that
they might in fact consider it/them theirs (my paraphrasing).
Now, I want to say right now that I did not pick these guy’s
jobs, they did. Honestly I didn’t even pick these guys in the
first place….they just sort of “showed up” at the invite of
Otto. HIS, “EXACT” intentions are themselves in question.
Now they have all moved in permanently, and claim that my
flower beds are some sort of International Gnome Sanctuary.
So any “stereotyping” is “completely coincidental and
unintended”…Everything else is in your own head….yes,
redundant I know, but “*SOME* people……”
Last but not least is Roger Theshrubber. Yes seriously,…I’ll
give you one guess at what he does….he is “*surprise
surprise* “*Big reveal*” An apprentice
shrubber…*sigh*…Okay to be honest Roger has just finished
his apprenticeship and has just begun his Journeyman
Roger was “Born into his Hat” on an Amish farm, also in
Hmmm, I wonder if either of them are “Husker” fans…
Roger comes from a long and apparently distinguished line
of Theshrubbers, as well as shrubbers in general. He is “the
son of Joe (Joseph) Theshrubber and great grandson of the
famous “Bart Theshrubber”.
Roger tells me that it is unusual for a Gnome from an Amish
farm to be a Shrubber, much less a Red Hat as most of the
Gnomes on Amish farms tend to be Black Hats of the rather
xenophobic and “shrubbery shunning” variety.
Roger is by far the most congenial of the group, and comes
across as your average “Gnome next door”, kind of guy. He’s
also a huge Scifi fan and claims to have attended every
single Comicon, SciFi con, Maker faire, and Garden Railroad
show, within a thousand miles….period…ALL of them! EVER!
He says that although he did go to many of them…especially
all of the Comicons and Most..(not all mind you…just most)
…of the SciFi cons in costume, he said that he was surprised
at the number of places where he could “just blend in and
turn on the old S.E.P “Somebody Else’s Problem” Field” and
go about his business unmolested, though he did say that it
made getting the venders’ attention a bit difficult at times.
I highly suspect that he “blended” his way past the ticket gate on
quite a few of those occasions. I mean, it would almost be a
necessity to have some sort of HEAVY DUTY, (“heh heh heh,
He said, “dootty”.” yeahyeah “dootty hehehehe”) stealth
skills just to bluff his way through a SEP field in broad
daylight and close proximity to boot.
Over all, the costumes were actually just much more convenient all around in the
Lest I forget him, the never seen, ever working, always
efficient, newest addition to my clerical pool and invaluable
interpreter and Liaison…”Doc”….I figure that I should have
one Gnome at least, tacitly working with/for me on the odd
occation, if not in actuality, rather than against me. “Doc” is
a Green Hat of the old school. Which means that even
though he is probably easily twice any of the other Gnomes
age, and at least a head shorter…when he says jump , all of
the Gnomes move, Strangely Gustave seems to shy away
from him, going out of his way to avoid him, and only
refers to him as “Herr Doktor” …btw where is he? This desk
is a MESS and it was his turn to file the bills!
Gnomes don’t have a religion per se, though they do have
both creation myths (The Great pouring and the The Great
Expansion…every Gnome’s “Mold Release” is different),
and a time that they call “The Great Mowing”,
and many Gnomes are divided on the whole Pre-mow
removal, during mow removal and post-mow removal of all
Gnomes from the Gardens of the World, question…so there is that
Ahh, there you are Doc…er you do know that our insurance carrier requires random urine analysis don’t you? I’m just asking…